My ex-friend Gus follows a self-declared business adviser Wendy Wacko who gives business advice and commentary on our local radio four times every hour. Normally, I press the mute button during her chatter but Gus takes her literally.
To give you an idea about Gus’ IQ, he voted for Crystal Ball who promised that, if elected, she’d make certain that everybody would get an above average income.
The other day I caught Gus mowing his lawn barefooted. Concerned about his safety, I asked him to put on his shoes.
“No way! Mowing lawn with shoes on may be injurious to your body parts,” he replied.
“Who told you that?” I asked.
“Wendy Wacko,” Gus replied without hesitation. “Most folks injured during lawn-mowing were found wearing their shoes at the time.”
Eyebrows raised, I just glanced Gus from toe to head and kept quiet. I learned a while ago not to ever give a sucker a sane advice.
This afternoon Gus and I met for lunch, and I can’t say it went that well. Through the whole meal I couldn’t decide whether to rip his shirt off or cut his chicken into bite-size pieces.
“I have decided to celebrate my birthday every year now on,’ he said, “I just heard Wendy Wacko say that Birthdays are good for health. Statistics has proved that those who had more birthdays, lived longer.”
“Okay,” I said, “help me out here. What are you aiming for? Granted, I may have as much depth as a Dixie Cup, but you are so shallow that even I am appalled.” I was totally disgusted by then.
“All I know…” he added, his mouth full, “I am certainly going to outlive you.”
“Oh,” I shrugged, “why don’t we part ways and make sure that we don’t miss each other?”
“Don’t you worry, I have been thinking of moving to Iceland as soon as I get proficient in the Old Norse language,” Gus suddenly blurted.
“In this lifetime?” I asked.
“Yes, while you are still alive,” Gus snapped.
“What? Did Wendy Wacko say something?” I asked shoveling sugar in my cup.
“Yes, she said that speaking English may be bad for one’s heart. Therefore, folks in non-English speaking countries such as Japan and Iceland have healthier hearts and they live longer.”
Rolling his narrowed eyes in my direction, Gus glared at me like that was the end of our intellectual conversation in the restaurant.
“Yeah,” I said, “and why don’t you hurry up before you change your mind? And you know what they say: carpe diem – Seize the day.”
The moral of this story is: If he is stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go.